The Aunts
by cgaussie
Summary: PG cause it has blood. Meh. Anyway! Purple and Red are sent to Earth due to their lives being in danger, a relation day is at Skool, 'n everyones favourite Homicidal Maniac appears! Also includes cross dressing.


The Aunts  
  
By: Cartman's Girl  
  
Note: The first fanfic of mine, where Tallest Red and Purple have a bigger part, so I'm sorry if they're OOC - I've only seen them in one episode, and that was `Germs', so I'm going off that, as well as other fanfics. From what I've seen, Red's more vicious a bit then Purple. So yeah...  
  
By the way, the whole thing is based off this great piece of artwork of Yang's.  
  
[1]http://yangpuppy.tripod.com/art/iz-aunts.jpg  
  
Also, Johnny appears! Woo! Sure I never read anything he's in, but I'm trying. Hey, you try and find comics that are banned!  
  
~*~  
  
"War?! What do you mean war?!" Tallest Red stood up quickly, his red eyes a flame from the news that had just reached him and his partners would-be ears. The young, short Irken cowered a bit.  
  
"Red go easy, it isn't his fault... Wait, is it?" Purple looked at the Irken, who quickly shook it's head. "There see? So don't go screaming at any Irk that waltzes through the door." Purple added. Red growled a bit, and sat down.  
  
"Give us the details." Red snapped at the young Irk, whose name by the way is J-Nen.  
  
"Well, your all powerful Tallest-Ness... seems one of the larger planets that we've had our eye on, sorry, you've had your eyes on for recent years have captured the Irken Invaders we've sent to scout it out. Sadly they were brutally set on by a rabid pig creature." J-Nen explained, looking from Tallest to Tallest. The look on Red's was a mixture of hatred and worry, while Purple looked just plain worried.  
  
"What were the Invader's names?" Purpled asked.  
  
"Invaders Scoot and Invader North, Tallest Purple. And now, the planet's inhabitants sent this." J-Nen held up a disk in one hand. Red nodded and pointed to a blank spot.  
  
"Put it there."  
  
And with that, a machine, very much like a DVD pops up from the floor, wires and cables running this way and that. J-Nen was quick to oblige, and put the disk into it. The machine did nothing.  
  
"Oh for the love of..." Red got to his feet, stormed down the stairs and kicked the machine, which whizzed to life. He quickly returned to his seat as an image of a very very ugly creature appeared.  
  
"Tallest, we have captured your puny pathetic stinky green skinned Invaders! And they were delicious!" the image held up the head of one of the Invaders on a fork, and ate the head while the recording was taking place. Purple looked greatly disturbed, but Red kept his face with the same concrete look. After a burp, the alien continued.  
  
"You will not be safe, Tallest. My scouts are already on their way to Irk, and we have ways of getting past your Army. I will smear your blood on my bread and make... TALLEST TOAST!" the alien thus burst into hysterics, but then began coughing and hacking. The image went out.  
  
"Oh... oh YEAH? We'll see who'll be having Tallest Toast ugly!" Red had gotten to his feet, and was pointing where the image was. Purple rolled his eyes.  
  
"It was a recording Red, he can't hear you." Purple claimed.  
  
"Who knows Purple, who knows... the walls have ears." Red claimed, looking at the walls sneakily, as if expecting to see a camera watching them.  
  
"Put the Army on full alert, J-Nen. We will be ready for these scum." Red had now turned to J-Nen, who nodded.  
  
"Permission to speak freely, your Tallest?" J-Nen asked, shaking a little at how angry Red seemed.  
  
"Permission to speak freely granted. Go ahead, as long as it isn't swear words." Purple replied, scratching his bald head.  
  
"But, would it not be safer for you both to be on another planet? Somewhere safe, somewhere that the Bloatoes would never think of searching for you? If they do invade, you will be the first they hunt down..." J-Nen trailed off and fell quiet. Red was glaring at him.  
  
"Are you saying our Army is not up to stat with these Bloatoes?" Red asked, his voice low.  
  
"Of course not, Tallest Red. I am just worried for your Tallest One's safety, if anything should happen to you..."  
  
"He's right Red. Without us, our planet would be doomed upon doomed!" Purple got to his feet, "J-Nen! Send for the Royal Cruiser, we're heading out at the dead of night and-" Purple was cut off by his partner suddenly.  
  
"We're leaving?!" Red was shocked that Purple was going yellow. Purpled turned to his partner, and frowned slightly.  
  
"We will still commander our people, Red. But our lives are at risk, and if these Bloatoes are as dangerous as they seem to be, we're no good to our people dead."  
  
"But where will we go?" Red asked, "We have so many planets under our watch-" Red was quickly cut off by Purple, heh, revenge.  
  
"There's no good hiding there, that's the first places they'd check. We need a planet... far away... not inhabitant by Irkens yet... Somewhere..."  
  
~*~  
  
"So, your `Bring a Miserable relation other then your parents' to Skool Day is next week. No excuses. NONE! Or you will be doomed to eternal restlessness and screaming!" Ms. Bitters was droning on, within the last few minutes of the school day. The class looked bored out of their brains, Zim was somewhat drooling on his desk, but snapped out of it at the mentioning of relations. His hand shot up.  
  
"What is it NOW?" Ms. Bitters turned to Zim, hissing slightly. Zim lowered his hand.  
  
"Do dogs count as other relations?" Zim asked, seeing as how he had no other relations here, he thought maybe GIR would be a good substitute.  
  
"Are you a dog, Zim?" Ms. Bitters asked, this caused a few students to giggle.  
  
"Well, no..." Zim replied,  
  
"Then no dogs! Humans ONLY."  
  
"That'll be hard for Zim, seeing how he's an alien parasite!" Dib called out from across the room. Ms. Bitters hissed at Dib, and he fell quiet.  
  
Finally the bell rang, and the students left the room. Zim walked along the road back home, thinking to himself.  
  
"I could create an aunt, or an uncle... but what happened last time I took a robot to school happens again, people will get suspicious... can't have them get suspicious or then they'll catch on to my brilliant plan of world domination and stuff! Hmmm." Zim's brow burrowed in deep thought as he arrived at his base, passing the parent decoys who were painting the couch green.  
  
He climbed onto the toilet, flushes and was quickly transported into his lab. There, he removed his disguise and walked around, hands behind his back.  
  
"Think Zim. Maybe you could hire someone to be a relation! That might work! ...no, that's no good... knowing my cruddy luck on this stupid planet... hmmmm." Zim paced a few times, unaware of GIR sat there watching him.  
  
"That looks fun!" GIR declared, and ran up to Zim and began pacing along with him, mimicking his every move.  
  
Suddenly the musing was halted, due to one of the huge screens in Zim's lab started blaring loudly. Zim turned to it, as did GIR.  
  
"Incoming transmission from Irk." The Irken symbol flashed on the screen, and vanished. There stood Tallest Purple, and in the background, Red could be seen packing a few things.  
  
"My Tallest!" Zim saluted, never before had the Tallest contacted *him* first, this must be important!  
  
"Zim. We have a crisis on our antennae." Purple exclaimed, Red, now carrying a double ended scythe and shoving it into a suitcase in the background  
  
"A crisis, Tallest Purple?"  
  
"Yes, a crisis."  
  
"YAY! A crisis! Yippie!" GIR clapped his hands happily. Purple lifted a would be eyebrow as he saw the robot.  
  
"That thing still works... anyway! Zim, our lives are at dangerous risk for Irk is now under attack from the Bloatoes. For the safety of myself and Tallest Red, we are to arrive on Planet Earth within a few days. We're not sure how long our stay will be, but while there we will still manage our people back here on Irk." Purple explained the situation calmly, despite the fact a laser went off in the background.  
  
"Sorry!" Red's voice called out.  
  
"Coming... here?!" Zim was shocked! The Tallest, in his own base?  
  
"That's what I said, didn't I?" Purple put his hands to his would be hips. "So prepare! Tallest Purple over and out."  
  
The screen went all static-like, and Zim and GIR were left to stare at the screen blankly. Zim's antennae then shot up straightly.  
  
"GIR! The Tallest! In our base! This... this is an honour upon an honour! Why, this has never happened before! This is truly-wait how can they make it here in a few days and I took months...?"  
  
~*~  
  
"One hundred, sixty five thousand and thirty-two million lasers on the wall! One hundred, sixty five thousand and thirty-two million lasers of death! Pass one down, blow up one head! One hundred, sixty five thousand and-"  
  
Purple was very annoyed now, ever since the ride to Earth had begun, Red was happily singing about lasers, as usual. Purple then looked at Red, who had now stopped since he forgot what came after a certain number.  
  
"Red, sing again and you'll find your guts on the floor." Purple said calmly, and looked back at the starry sky as the ship was travelling at mega-ultra-hyper-hyper-time-warp speed.  
  
"Aww... well it's either that or I could have stayed back on Irk while you, partner of mine, went running from the Bloatoes." Red snapped snobbishly, and folded his arms.  
  
"So you do want your guts on a floor of some sort? What good are you dead?" Purple glanced at Red.  
  
"Better then running away!" Red retorted.  
  
"Is not!" Purple replied,  
  
"Is too!"  
  
"Is not!"  
  
"Is too!"  
  
"Is NOT!"  
  
"Is TOO!"  
  
~*~  
  
Zim was busy, very very busy. The robotic arms in his house were busy scrubbing and cleaning.  
  
"Whistle while you work!" GIR was happily dancing around, with scrubbing brushes tied to his feet. He attempted whistling, but not having lips proved very difficult.  
  
"GIR, prepare yourself to be clean soon." Zim snapped as he was busy trying to make the monkey image on his wall straight.  
  
"Huh?" GIR stopped dancing and stared at his master, who now gave up on the image and hopped off the couch.  
  
"I'm going to clean you, you're so dirty `n grimy. You need to look your clean-ness when the Tallest arrive!" Zim replied.  
  
"Awwww." GIR sighed, he didn't like being clean. He liked being piggy-like, dirty!  
  
"No awwing GIR, you're going to become clean and that's it." Zim then lead them outside, and began polishing the Lawn Gnomes. GIR trotted after him, now in disguise as is Zim.  
  
"But I don't wanna be clean!" GIR whined as Zim polished a gnome-hat.  
  
"You have no say in the matter GIR, do you WANT the Tallest to think you're a filthy spoot-head?" Zim asked, replacing the hat.  
  
"Uhhhmmm... YES!" GIR replied. Zim rolled his eyes, wondering what gives him any strength to carry on with this insane SIR.  
  
~*~  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"No."  
  
Red and Purple had given up the argument before, reason being they forgot what they were arguing about and now, Red wanted to know how close they were. It had been two days... but who could tell what with being in space? 48 hours have passed, yeah that makes sense.  
  
"Red, please stop asking that." Purple muttered, rubbing his forehead.  
  
"So, are we in the Milky Way yet?" Red asked, looking out the window at the stars and planets whizzing past.  
  
"No... wait..." Purple glanced at the surroundings outside, "...yes."  
  
"Whoo! Milky Wayness!" Red grinned, got out a camera and snapped a photo. The trip had finally gotten to Red, while Purple still managed to maintain his Tallest-ness stature.  
  
"Aw I shoulda brought a SIR, it could have entertained me." Red replied, looking through a thick book which seemed full of digital images of Red and Purple during important occasions. The signing in as Tallest... first ruling... first concert... mosh pit...  
  
"Entertain yourself Red, it isn't that hard. Look." Purple then flipped a light switch off, and held up a object much like a torch, and turned it on. A beam of light shot out, and Purple put his fingers to it and began making shadow-puppets with his long slender fingers.  
  
First thing he created was a bunny.  
  
"Look Red, it's a bunny! Hop hop hop!" The bunny hopped up and down happily, but then Red put his fingers in, making his fingers into a shape of an Irken. Don't ask how he could manage this.  
  
"And here is the famous RED to kill the killer bunny! Arrghh!" the Irken shadow whipped out a laser and hit the bunny over the head.  
  
"Ow, ah! Ouch! Stop that!"  
  
~*~  
  
"ROYAL RUNNER APPROACHING!"  
  
Zim sat up in his sleeping chambers, his house was alerting him to the approaching ship! He fell out of bed, landing besides the doggy basket besides his bed, where GIR was rolled up in a tiny ball, clinging to a rubber piggy.  
  
"GIR! GIR wake up!" Zim shook his SIR violently, and the SIR's amber eyes slowly opened.  
  
"Hmm... waa...?"  
  
"The Tallest! They're almost here!!" Zim screeched, and ran from the room, hopping down a bin, which took him into the kitchen. GIR got up and followed, he shined brilliantly, for Zim had given him a good polish and clean before they had gone to bed.  
  
"Whhheeeeeeeeeeeee!" GIR jumped into the bin after his Master, and when landing in the kitchen he landed head first into he left overs of their dinner, half of it still alive. He trotted after Zim who was now stood outside his house, looking up at the sky.  
  
There it was. The Royal Runner in the skies above the city, it was huge! Huge as in, blimp size! You know, those onse that float around during the Super Bowl. It made beeping and hissing sounds, and then hovered a great deal from the ground. Then a door opened, and two slender figures, looking proud and, well, tall stood in the door way. They gently floated down, using their hover-belts. But as they near, we see how haggard and sleepy the two look.  
  
Red's armour is half off and he looks pretty much dead, and Purple has a blue eye, equivalent of a black eye.  
  
"My Tallest! Your presence makes my Squeedily Spooch sing with joy!" Zim declared, his antennae wiggling as the two approached.  
  
"Hmm, yeah yeah whatever..." Red muttered rubbing his aching eyes.  
  
"So does my SIR! GIR.. GIR?!" Zim finally looked at GIR, who was a complete mess. "GIR... oh GIR..." Zim felt disgraced. But the Tallest paid no heed to the appearance of the SIR.  
  
"Sim... whatever your name is... where's the hibernation quarters?" Purple asked, his blue eye bludging. Zim looked at the two, and pointed towards his house.  
  
"Sirs, I made a special suite just for the two of you! Just open the fridge door and walk on through."  
  
"....fridge?" Purple looked confused, and looked at Red. "Fridge?"  
  
"Maybe... maybe it's a fryer and a bridge mixed!" Red exclaimed.  
  
"Oh, no no Noble Tallest, I'll show you..." Zim felt stupid, how would the Tallest know what a fridge was?  
  
"Fine fine..." Purple then pulled a small remote from his pocket, and pressed a button. The Royal Runner suddenly shrunk down to the size of a lady's handbag, well, looked very much LIKE a female handbag, and Purple picked it up and looked at Zim.  
  
"Take us to our quarters Zim, myself and Red have not rested well since our trip started."  
  
"Yes, my all great and powerful Tallest!"  
  
~*~  
  
Zim was in a flurry of what to do first, it was now day break and the Tallest were still fast asleep from their arrival the previous night. He was busy preparing breakfast, bacon. That's all he had in the cooler box, and he hated himself for not going shopping the night before.  
  
GIR was scrubbing his head with a rubber piggy, but Zim didn't seem to care what GIR was doing, as long as it didn't bother him.  
  
Finally the fridge door lurched open, and Purple entered the kitchen area, his antennae almost touching the roof of the kitchen.  
  
"Hmmfghh, morning..." Purple muttered to himself, still half asleep he waved his hand a bit, "TPS, bring my breakfast in..."  
  
Zim looked highly confused as to who TPS was.  
  
"Um, Tallest Purple?" Zim uttered quietly, hoping no to alarm Tallest Purple.  
  
"Wha?" Purple turned to Zim, his eye now fixed again. He blinks, then rubs his eyes. "Zim? What are... oh yeah... doomed Irk `n all that... ugh..." Purple ran a finger along his forehead, and looked at the surroundings.  
  
Then Zim's antennae stood up, how could he have forgotten? Tomorrow is that pathetic `Bring a Miserable relation other then your parents' to Skool Day! This was perfect! The Tallest could act out like a relation, so, so then the class will be believe that he really did have a skin condition and it was generic!  
  
...but how to ask a favour of his Tallest?  
  
The fridge door slammed open, much differently to how Purple entered the room, Red entered and slammed the door behind him. The sky outside suddenly became crimson red and dark, lightning flashed in the background.  
  
"Coffee, I need coffee!" Red snarled as he marched past Zim and Purple, and glugged down the first liquid his hand came in contact with. Luckily for him, it was coffee. As soon as he drunk the whole liquid, outside, the sky went from the dark red to a happy blue, and a shaft of light shined through the window on Red, and little birds outside chirped happily.  
  
"Ahhh.... Better."  
  
Purple and Zim who could just stare at Red blankly.  
  
"You know I'm not a morning Irk until I have my coffee." He explained, still holding the pot in his hands.  
  
"...riiiggghhhtt." Purple replied.  
  
"Sirs! Permission to talk freely!" Zim suddenly walked up to the two. Purple and Red looked down at Zim, then at each other.  
  
"Fine, I've had my coffee." Red replied.  
  
"Sirs! Tomorrow, in my Skool, we have to `Bring a Miserable relation other then your parents' to Skool. For the safety and sake of the mission, I would be eternally in your great debts if you could come along and pretend to be a relation."  
  
Red and Purple stared at Zim blankly, and Purple stroked his own chin making a `Hmm' sound.  
  
"Least we'd get to see how human worm babies work in their learning environment." Red pointed out, licking the coffee pot, trying to get the last drops out of it.  
  
"Sure Zim, we'll go along."  
  
"Oh you GREAT and MAGNIFICIENT Tallest! You are too kind! All the words in the Universe could not speak of my unveiling... love!"  
  
"Yeah yeah..."  
  
~*~  
  
Now Red and Purple had to choose what they'd wear, since they obviously could not go as how they are now. They were looking through a magazine that had been delivered, problem was it was full of women's clothing. Not that it bothered the two of them, seeing as how their Imperial Robes looked like dresses.  
  
"How about that one?" Red pointed to a polka-dotted dress.  
  
"Ew, no. I don't wanna look like I have measles." Purple retorted, and turned the page.  
  
"Who knew that finding ideal clothing was so difficult?" Red asked as he glanced at the bikini section, but turned the page anyway, he certainly didn't want to see what skimpy clothing humans wore.  
  
"Oo, look at these two!" the two had now turned the page to `Victorian Era' clothing section, and there were women wearing long flowing dresses and hats and such stuff. Red looked impressed.  
  
"I like em!" he declared, "Especially that one."  
  
Red was now pointing to a white dress, which had pinkish-red bows on the white gloves, and ribbons with bows around the dress itself, and the breast area was pinkish-red.  
  
"I can so see you in that." Purple replied, then his eyes widen as he saw a purple dress with yellow flower pattern on it. "That's it! There's mine! `N look, it has a nice hat too!"  
  
"That color does suit you, yeah! ZIM!" Red then lifted his head, and Zim screeched to a halt in front of the Tallest.  
  
"My Tallest!" he declared.  
  
"Get the computer to get us these." He handed Zim the magazine, and pointed out the clothing. "Make sure they're in me and Purple's sizes, we don't wanna be cramp."  
  
"Yes my Tallest!" Zim took the magazine and hurried off down to his lab, while Purple lifted himself up and hovered over to a case of videos, built to program the parent decoys. He leafed through them, then held one out.  
  
"A-hah! How to become a relative within one day of watching TV!"  
  
"Woo! I'll get the popcorn."  
  
~*~  
  
"Computer! Run a diagnostic scan of this magazine page, and have the clothes here materialised. Best include two wigs."  
  
"Scanning... clothing found.... Calculating sizes to suit Tallest... wigs to suit clothing... done!"  
  
Zim cackled to himself as nearby a bit of the wall opened, and suspended on a clothes rack the two clothing, along with wig and hat (for Purple) slid out. Zim took the clothing down, and hurried back up to the observing room where Red and Purple were now watching the video on the many many screens.  
  
"Hmm... are we an Aunt or an Uncle?" Purpled asked Red.  
  
"Well the Aunts wear those dresses, so I guess we're an Aunt!" Red pressed a button on the remote marked `Aunt'.  
  
"My Tallest, NO!"  
  
But before Zim could do anything, wires and cables shot out from the ceiling and the two chairs the Tallest were sat on, two robotic arms held the heads of the Tallest in place, and two hands came out and held the eyes open while shackles clamped down around their arms and legs, thus making them immobilized as the video began.  
  
"Oh no....!! How, how do you shut this thing off?!" Zim hurried up to the player, but it had been set on auto and would not shut off and free it's captives until the video had stopped playing.  
  
"Blast it!!" Zim kicked the video as on the screens, it showed an aunt holding a sailor-suit out to her nephew, who looked pretty annoyed.  
  
"Oh this looks adorable on you!"  
  
"Oh... that looks adorable on you..." Purple mumbled to himself as the image changed again, and the aunt unrolled a wallet full of photos of the aunt with her nephew.  
  
"And here my lovely nephew is, just a few hours old! Isn't he cute as the dickens?"  
  
"And.. here's my lovely nephew is, just a few hours old...! Isn't he cute as the dickens...?" Red stuttered slightly.  
  
"Oh this is bad, this is bad..." Zim muttered to himself.  
  
~*~  
  
Dib was stood at the entrance of Zim's base, and was surprised to see purple light, mixed with red of course, glowing from within. Zim's mutterings could be heard, as well as a female voice battering away at how perfect the nephew was.  
  
"What is going on in there..." Dib muttered to himself. He didn't dare walk onto the pathway, if he did he'd be surely ripped apart by the Gnomes that stood guarding the house. So Dib was forced to stand there, wondering what was going on in there.  
  
~*~  
  
Five long gruelling hours later, the video finally came to an end. The wires released and vanished back into the walls. Zim was actually fast asleep now in the corner, being bored with his ranting. Red and Purple sat there for a while, and finally blinked.  
  
"Oh that movie was just fabulous, wasn't it Purple dear?" Red turned his head to Purple,  
  
"Indeed it was Red! We should spend more time with our feet up!" Purple replied merrily, and got to his feet. He then spotted the clothing Zim had brought up, "Oh Red look! Our dresses have finally arrived!"  
  
"Marvellous! Absolutely marvellous!" Red headed over and picked his up, and handed Purple's his.  
  
Red and Purple soon stood with the new dresses over their usual armour, and Purple tied the kerchief around his shoulder blades, and placed the hat atop his long thin black wig. Red stood off to the side with brownish-red hair in a slight bob. Red turned to Purple,  
  
"Does this dress make me look fat?" he asked, opening up a container full of make up accessories, and don't ask me where he got it.  
  
"Of course not, don't be ridiculous. That color was wonders for your complexion AND weight." Purple replied.  
  
Soon the two were stood in front of a mirror applying make up, which was hard seeing as how they never done it before and they hardly had any lips. But soon after a lot of attempts, they stood there in all their feminine glory. Lipstick, mascara, dresses, wigs, looking very nice if I do say so. Purple then picked up his purse, which remember, is actually the Royal Runner.  
  
"Aw, look at little Zim! Isn't he just plain adorable?" Red was now stood over Zim who was still fast asleep, hands clasped together. Purpled glanced over and cooed somewhat.  
  
"The little dear! Come Red, let's put him to bed." Purpled headed over and picked Zim up into his hands, and set him down on one of the chairs.  
  
"You know, we should head out and buy him a new outfit for tomorrow's meeting at Skool. He always wears that, we should treat him!" Red exclaimed joyfully.  
  
"Why Red, what a smashing idea! Let's!"  
  
~*~  
  
To say the least, Red and Purple was gawked at as they hovered through the town. I mean, being over seven feet tall, female, and kinda hovering does cause a bit of attention to be brought to one.  
  
But they were chatting away about what to purchase their dear little nephew, they rarely noticed the odd looks. They stopped outside a shop called `Petite Mesurier - For the Little Man'.  
  
"Perfect! Zim's such a skinny little thing, I'm sure we can find something here!" Red exclaimed as he entered the doorway, ducking to avoid hitting his head.  
  
"And a good thing I brought his spare clothing too, so now they can get his exact measurements!" Purple replied, following suite.  
  
Inside the place was full of smart young men clothing, some of which most little boys were forced to wear by parents and adult guardians. The two sorted through some clothing, until an attendant walked up to the two.  
  
"May I help you two ladies?" she asked, Purple turned and looked down at her.  
  
"Why yes, yes you can! See, we're trying to find a darling little suit for our nephew Zim, for we're requested to appear in his Skool tomorrow and we want him to look his best!" Purple explained. Red gestured to the clothing Purple held,  
  
"So we're trying to find something to suit his small size. Do you have anything like this?" Red took the clothing off Purple and held it out to the lady. She stared at it for a while, the metallic arm covers, the leather slacks and boots, and the strange material...  
  
"Well, I'll take the measurements and get back to you, okay?" she asked, taking the clothing from them.  
  
"Oh thank you dear!" Red said, then hovered over to look at the hats.  
  
"Yes thank you!" Purple replied, and followed after Red. The lady stared at them, and at the clothing.  
  
"Strange." She muttered.  
  
~*~  
  
A while later, Zim finally awoke, and rubbed his eyes, then realised...  
  
"The Tallest are missing!!" Zim sprung down from the chair and searched over his base, but the Tallest were nowhere to be seen! Then he realised the clothing was gone, and the door was somewhat ajar.  
  
"OH NO! They know nothing about human behaviour! They could be found out and all of Irk will be after my guts if something happens to them!!" Zim hurried to the door, and looked out. No sign of anyone, he quickly slipped into costume and ran out into the streets.  
  
"Tallest! Oh Tallest?! Where are you?! Please come back! You'll get lost! You don't have a SIR with a guidy chippy thingie with you!!" but soon he skidded to a halt, for who else but walking down the street, back from their little journey of town, were...  
  
"TALLEST!" Zim ran up to the two of them, "Oh Tallest, you're safe! I was so worried!"  
  
"Well really Zim, we are capable of taking care of ourselves!" Red exclaimed as he held onto a shopping bag in one hand.  
  
"So, so nothing bad happened...?" he asked,  
  
"No nothing at all dear! Now come along, we've gotten you a new suit!" Purple declared happily. Zim raised a would-be eyebrow  
  
"...suit?"  
  
Once inside, Red held the suit out to Zim. It was a sailor suit, you know, blue shorts, white top, blue thingie around the neck. Purple then held out a dainty pair of shoes with white knee socks, to Zim anyway, and a hat.  
  
"Oh this looks adorable on you!" Purple declared. Zim took the clothing from Red, then the hat and shoes from Purple. He wanted to hurl at the sight of it, but going against the Tallest was a bad option to take.  
  
"Oh they're... they're lovely!" Zim commented, smiling slightly, but forcing it.  
  
"Now go on, run along and change and let us take a look!" Red said, waving a hand to a door way before taking a seat.  
  
"Yes Zim, give us a fashion show!" Purple declared sitting down besides Red.  
  
Zim grumbled a yes, and left the room.  
  
He soon returned in his new suit. Needless to say, he looked plain adorable in blue and white, and the hat looked very sweet. Hehe.  
  
"Ahh! You look SO CUTE!" Red got to his feet, hurried up to Zim and actually scooped him into his hands. Course, being touched by the Tallest is indeed a great honour to any Irken, and Zim didn't know how to respond to this!  
  
"I, I.. uh.. well.. uhhh..." Zim just hung there blank faced, then Purple arrived and pinched Zim's cheek, and it hurt to say the least.  
  
"Lookit the cute little dickens!" Purple cooed, "Oh you look adorable Zim! Now, you are to wear that tomorrow when we go to Skool with you, clear on that young man?"  
  
"Y... yes... Purple..." Zim muttered,  
  
"Nuh-uh-uh! Auntie Purple, Zim. And this is Auntie Red. Remember?" Purple corrected Zim, who almost burst into laughter at the idea.  
  
"Yes, Auntie Purple..."  
  
~*~  
  
The next day started like any other normal day, sun rose, birds sang, so forth and so forth. When Zim arrived from his sleeping quarters, he found Red and Purple already awake. Red was actually sipping *tea* and sitting on the table, since being so tall he couldn't sit on the chair.  
  
Purple was no where in sight.  
  
"Zim! Why aren't you in your adorable little outfit?" Red looked at Zim as he climbed out of the rubbish bin.  
  
"Curses! I forgot!" Zim thought to himself, then blinked at Red. "Uhh... I'm having it ironed as we speak! Be right back!" he vanished back down into the bin as Purple entered the room, combing his wig.  
  
"You know I just can't do anything with my hair today!" he said as he tried fixing it up s'more.  
  
"Oh you look fine dear. Don't worry about it." Red replied setting his tea down. Soon Zim re-entered the room, now in the sailor suit and hat.  
  
"Much better Zim!" Red claimed as Zim walked towards the two.  
  
"Listen, Tal-I mean, Auntie Red, Auntie Purple, please don't embarrass me today... okay?" Zim had a feeling in his guts that something might go wrong that day, and his guts usually don't lie.  
  
"Now why would we embarrass our little man?" Purple asked, bending over he then licked his thumb, and cleaning Zim's cheek. Zim just squirmed uncomfortably.  
  
"All we're going to do is come along, see the sights, meet the other relatives of the children..." Red began,  
  
"The other children! Look, Auntie, dears, there's this one kid, Dib. Just, keep away from him. He's got this HUGE head, `n... yeah, he's really mean." Zim explained, getting out of Purple's grasp before he could clean anymore of his face.  
  
"Why, does this Dib make fun of you?" Red lifted a would-be eyebrow.  
  
"Because if he does, we'll have a firm talk with his Father!" Purple exclaimed as he stood up to his full height again.  
  
"No! No no no! He's.. uhh... weird. That's all. I don't want my Aunties exposed to weirdness." Zim quickly said. Red and Purple exchanged glances, then looked down at him.  
  
"I think we'll be fine Zim, dear. Don't you worry your sweet little head about us." Purple replied.  
  
"Why is it I just can't help but worry..." he thought to himself.  
  
~*~  
  
The walk to school was quick and painless, but something told Zim that the rest of the day would be completely different. As they reached the Skool he saw the banner declaring "Welcome Relations!" as well as students with a family member.  
  
"Oh aren't they darling?" Purple declared, clasping his long, now painted finger nails - connected to fingers of course, together.  
  
"Oh it reminds me of our Academy days... those were the days!" Red exclaimed as they neared the school. As they did, all the students, as well as parents and teachers stopped talking and stared at the three of them.  
  
"...these are my Aunties, Auntie Purple and Auntie Red. Say anything about the suit and I will inflict pain upon you." Zim said gruffly. Purple waved innocently as Red just grinned.  
  
Dib's eyes were probably bigger, because there, stood not a few feet away were not just one alien, but three! He HAD to show the world what Zim was now, now that he had others with him!  
  
"Look, look! They've got green skin, no noses or ears! Can't you see they're ALIENS?!" he turned to the student body, as well as family members. He only got weird looks,  
  
"Gee Dib, stop making fun of Zim's skin condition! It's obviously genetic since his Aunt's got it too! Stop being a jerk!" Zita said from her place across the yard. The other students mutter agreement.  
  
"Well I never, when I was his age we never spoke that way about our elders!" Red declared, looking at Dib and not looking that happy either.  
  
"Where is your adult person young man?" Purple asked, hovering over to him. Dib blinked, and pointed to the buffet.  
  
There, stood with his back to the group was a very, very skinny man who's probably in his late teens. He's draped entirely in black, and his boots have hoofs at the toes and heels. The hair, if you can call it that, was spiked and two clumps of it stuck out like antennae of it's own right. Gaz was stood besides him, sipping a soda.  
  
"Excuse me!" Red hovered over to the young man, who slowly turned around to face him. The young man's face was coffee-coloured, and it looked like he hadn't slept in years.  
  
"What?" he asked, sounding bored out of his would-be brain.  
  
"Are you related to that boy?" Red pointed to Dib, who was sneering at the brave looking Zim.  
  
"Unfortunately yes." The boy replied.  
  
"Your NAME if you will?" Red put his hands to his would be hips. The boy then picked up a brainfreezy from the buffet and slurped it.  
  
"Johnny." He replied, then motioned to Gaz, "I'm Gaz `n Dib's distant cousin. I was in town, slaughtering a few people when Gaz found me `n asked me to come here. She's got a hit list I'm gonna check out."  
  
"Well, Johnny, what are you to do about your rude cousin?" Red asked, lifting a would-be eyebrow. Johnny looked over at Dib, then back at Red.  
  
"...kill him?"  
  
"Well fine, do that." Red replied, then hovered off. Gaz smiled up at Johnny slightly,  
  
"Aw, how did you know I wanted him dead too?"  
  
~*~  
  
In class, Zim could hardly concentrate on his work. What was Red and Purple up to in the Hall while he was in his classes? Were they telling tales of their home planet, ruining the very mission they sent him to do? How could he get out of here?  
  
~*~  
  
"And here's Zim when he was just a few hours old!" Red then pulled a purse from somewhere, and opened it and took out a photo. Strangely enough, it WAS Zim, just a few hours old and looking all innocent `n stuff. The females in the room who were around the two all went,  
  
"Awwwwww!"  
  
Johnny looked more bored then ever now, still sipping his brainfreezy in the corner.  
  
"'Oly crap." He muttered to himself, "What'd I get myself in to this time... hmm, now where did I leave my chainsaw..."  
  
"Who does your hair?" Purpled asked enthusiastically to a lady who had, well, no hair except a mo-hawk.  
  
~*~  
  
"Miss Bitters!" Zim raised his hand in the air during reading time. The teacher snorted awake and looked at him.  
  
"What?" she asked evilly.  
  
"I feel like my guts are about to explode into a fiery mass of goo all over the classroom. May I go to the bathroom?"  
  
The class all leaned away from him after they heard that.  
  
"...fine, only because I don't feel like cleaning up your doopie."  
  
After receiving his hall pass, usual blinking collar around the neck, Zim headed down the hallway. He stopped at the Hall entrance and looked in. Purple was talking to Johnny, who looked like he could gouge his own eyes out any minute; while Red was feeling the fabric of some other lady's shirt.  
  
"Well, at least things aren't so bad..." Zim muttered to himself. He turned and walked back to the classroom, the sounds of breaking glass suddenly coming from the Hall.  
  
~*~  
  
"Hey, did you hear? Johnny leapt out the Hall window and ran screaming down the street about the pain of glass in his brain." The kids were soon on their way back to the Hallway, and Gaz was informing Dib about their distant cousins adventure in the Hall way.  
  
"He always was the black sheep of the family." Dib replied.  
  
"I like him... specially when he cut up his parents in the bathtub." Gaz chuckled to herself and Dib gave her a weird look, but then focused his attention on Zim.  
  
"So, ZIM, who are your aunts, really? Are they gonna lay eggs in all the people present in the Hall or something?" he headed over to Zim as he asked,  
  
"Huh! Dream all you want human! No way is an egg gonna hatch inside you, besides in that GIANT head of yours!" Zim replied.  
  
"My head is NOT big." Dib sneered,  
  
"That's not what Johnny said. He said you'd have a cool head explodie one day." Gaz claimed from across the way.  
  
"Shut up Gaz."  
  
They finally entered the Hall way, Purple and Red were sat off to the side, talking about something important. Tea cosies. Fun.  
  
"You knit like that? Oh no, I always go loop, thread..."  
  
"Aunties, Aunties!" Zim hurried up to them, almost loosing his hat and hair.  
  
"Shh Zim, don't you know it's rude to interrupt while we're talking?" Purple put a finger to his lips to silence Zim,  
  
"But Aunties, I need to know what you've been doing! It's important!" Zim pleaded slightly,  
  
"Zim, what did your Auntie Purple just say?" Red leaned over slightly, frowning somewhat.  
  
"...that doesn't matter now! You don't realise how important what you've been doing that will jeopardize our mission! These stink beasts might catch on and then our plan will be DOOMED!" Zim had now grabbed onto Red's white dress, and was glaring into his eyes.  
  
Red just stared back at Zim, then leant forward more, now face to face with Zim.  
  
"You are such a naughty boy Zim, and now you'll be taught a lesson."  
  
Panic raced through Zim's mind. He'd gone against what an Almighty Tallest had wanted! He might be crushed to death by Red's all powerful and mighty attacks! Red suddenly grabbed Zim around the middle and lifted him up, course Zim was so frightened now all he could do was cower in fear.  
  
Red then placed Zim over his, well, where his knee would be, face down. Then, to the horror of Zim as well as most of the student body, Red pulled down Zim's pants a bit to reveal his little green behind and began to actually spank him in front of the entire hall!  
  
Needless to say Zim screamed each time he was spanked, because being spanked by hard metal hidden under material is no laughing matter. Course, the other students didn't know this and just pointed and laughed at Zim's misfortune as he cried out.  
  
"...my God..." Dib uttered as he watched, amazed that aliens kept their children under order the same way humans did.  
  
Finally Red stopped, and placed Zim back on the ground. Zim immediately began rubbing his sore behind and holding back tears.  
  
"Now, toddle off and let me continue talking to Auntie Purple or I'll spank you again." Red said and pointed somewhere else. Zim was gone in a flash, snivelling as he hobbled off. Purple turned to Red,  
  
"Do you really believe that was the right thing to do, Red?" he asked,  
  
"He has to learn to listen to us some way or another Purple, even if that includes spanking him in public, so be it." Red replied, folding his arms.  
  
~*~  
  
Zim was now huddled in a corner snivelling to himself, he had never been so humiliated in public! They had seen his bare skin, other then his face! Irkens rarely ever showed their skin, only during the mating rituals did their armour and clothing come off, but just now he has struck by the All Powerful and All Mighty Red!  
  
"Aw, wassa matter Zimmy? Did Auntie Red hurt yer non-existent butt?" Zim turned sharply at the sound of Dib's voice, wiping the remainder of his tears away with his arm.  
  
"Get away from me Dib, least my relation isn't a psychopathic homicidal maniac!" Zim snapped, adjusting his hat again.  
  
"Heh, well all I know is he doesn't spank. He more or less slashes." Dib replied, folding his arms. Zim frowned angrily.  
  
"What do you want, stink boy?" Zim asked, now getting annoyed by Dib's presence.  
  
"What are they doing here? Your so called `Aunties'? Huh? Are they planning total doom down upon us or something?"  
  
"That is non of your business big headed one!"  
  
"It is so if it involves my planet you alien slime bucket!"  
  
"Don't call me that!"  
  
"Slime bucket!"  
  
"Stop it!"  
  
"Aw, what ya gonna do? Go crying to your Aunties?"  
  
Zim blinked, heck, that was a good as plan as any, seeing as he had left his laser at home.  
  
"Yes actually." Zim then burst into fake, and I mean very fake tears and ran past Dib crying pathetically. He ran up to Purple and tugged at his sleeve.  
  
"Auntie Purple! Dib just called me a slime bucket `n said that you two were all ugly!" he wailed.  
  
Well, THIS caught Purple and Red's attention, they looked down at Zim who was now sniffling pathetically. Purple stood up to his full height, bent down and scooped Zim up into his arms and looked over at Dib, as Red stood up.  
  
"Oh really..." Purple murmured to himself.  
  
"No body insults OUR little nephew without answering to us!" Red declared.  
  
And just at this moment, Johnny had re-entered the room with a chainsaw and it was on full power. He laughed manically and began chasing the adults around the room, as most of the kids ran from sight screaming in terror. Well, maybe not Gaz, who was cheering her distant cousin on.  
  
At this very moment as well, Red whipped a laser out from his would be-between the berasts, if he had any (^^) and pointed it directly at Dib and fired. Dib, luckily got out the way.  
  
So, now think this scene over. Adults screaming and running from the insane maniac known as Johnny, and Dib running from the laser shots being fired at him by Red still dressed as a lady. Zim had now stopped crying and was laughing gleefully at the scene.  
  
Then, Purple's handbag began to beep. Purple looked down at it, and lifted it up as a little antennae popped out from it and beeped a few times.  
  
"Tallest Purple and Red! The Bloatoes have been defeated! They are now an extinct species! Your presence is required back on Irk!"  
  
The sound of this message seemed to suddenly snap Purple and Red out of their stupor. Purple dropped Zim like a sack of hot potatoes and Red stopped firing at Dib, who was now hiding behind an upturned table.  
  
"We're needed Purple! Activate the Royal Runner!" Red declared, putting his laser away.  
  
"Already on it Red!" Purple replied. He dropped the purse and as soon as it hit the ground, it grew. Since now all the adults had run screaming from the room because of Johnny, the place was deserted besides for the aliens and Dib as the ship grew to it's full size, thus wrecking the Hall and crumbling it to rubble.  
  
The door way opened, and light shone down to the ground near the two Tallest. Purple turned to Zim,  
  
"Well Zim, it's been a blast in a million. We expect to have your full report by next week or Red'll spank you again." He said, then hovered over to the light beam, and was transported on board.  
  
"Yeah!" Red said boastfully, and followed suite. The ship hovered for a while, then zoomed out of sight like it had never been there.  
  
Dib crawled out from under the rubble and watched the ship vanish, then looked at Zim. The two stared at each other as Ms. Bitters and some other teachers ran onto the scene, like just realising the Hall was now non-existent.  
  
"WHO DID THIS?!" Ms. Bitters screeched, Zim automatically pointed to Dib.  
  
"He did it Ms. Bitters! I saw the whole thing with my own eyes!" Zim looked oh so innocent in his little sailor suit and big eyes, Ms. Bitters would be a fool not to believe that. She turned directly onto Dib.  
  
"DIB! This is going on your permanent record! That and unleashing your maniac cousin on all the parents of the students!!" She screeched, Dib just looked shocked beyond words.  
  
"But.. but... the alien ship...! Didn't you see-?" he stopped when he realised all this was in vain, as usual. He slumped his shoulders, "Fine..."  
  
~*~  
  
The whole Irken Empire were gathered as the Royal Voot Runner arrived, 48 hours later. The Tallest had only been gone around six days, but the people were lost without the Tallest to gaze up at. As the door opened, they all lowered their eyes and their antennae wiggled in greeting.  
  
Then the Tallest appeared, somewhat... different. They were still in their dresses, wigs, and hat and seemed totally unaware of it.  
  
"Thank you, thank you! You're far too kind, really!" Red waved to the audience,  
  
"Oh you're making me go all green! Stop it, really!" Purple was never before so happy to see his people. He had missed them greatly, even if the past two days before departure back to Irk was a total blank.  
  
Then the two noticed the looks they were getting, were their people actually... laughing? Purple then looked down at himself, and his eyes grew wide with shock.  
  
"What the...?!" he cried, then looked at Red, "Red! LOOK at us!" he screamed. Red gazed down at himself, and looked shocked.  
  
"Wha... how... how did this happen?!" the two looked at each other, then frowned at the same instant and look at the `screen'.  
  
"Zim."  
  
~*~  
  
Zim was happily once again, back in his normal attire and resting in his lab, feet up and looking very relaxed.  
  
"Ahhh... I do believe things turned out very well! Besides that Johnny going rampant and killing a lot of people, but who cares about that anyway? I got Scott free out of the stupid family thing, and no one DARE insult me! Heh, I think it went well GIR... GIR? GIR where are you?"  
  
~*~  
  
Sat on the front step of the base, GIR was happily slurping his bubblegum chocolate brainfreezy, and sat besides him was Johnny, sipping one of his own.  
  
"I love bubblegum chocolate brainfreezies! Don't you?" GIR asked the boy dressed in black, and splattered in a bit of blood.  
  
"I loooooove em!" Johnny declared happily.  
  
THE END!  
  
Woo, that was insane.  
  
References  
  
1. http://yangpuppy.tripod.com/art/iz-aunts.jpg 


End file.
